Registered psychologist and Scribd Coach author Nicole Perry knows that setting boundaries with the people you love — both friends and family — can be more difficult than setting boundaries with others in your life. Perry goes deep on boundary-setting in her Scribd Coach course Big Hearted Boundaries, and here, she shares a few extra tips for setting guardrails that will strengthen your relationships.
Realize you're in charge of your own boundaries
Only you can decide where your boundaries are — and only you can stick to them. "The most common theme that I see people struggle with is setting boundaries for themselves. Even before dealing with other people, we need to learn how to take moments for ourselves, from bathroom breaks to full nights of sleep," says Perry. “It's OK to say no to the requests that are coming in, and more often than not, you're the one who thinks you need to say yes to everything."
Make your ‘yes’ list
A good place to start is to understand what you’ll say yes to. "Out of all the things you could possibly do, start by choosing which are the most important for you, the ones that you most want to do," says Perry. "Say yes to the things that you really want out of life." This could be making a general list (like saying yes to one more story with your kids before bed) or it could be done while looking at all the events coming up next month (like a good night of sleep, or a weekend at home with absolutely nothing on the schedule). Block those events off in permanent marker so they can't get overwritten by other less-fun commitments.
Say no with assertiveness and grace
Next, decide what doesn’t fit into your 'want to do' list. "I like this assertiveness formula: Start with empathy, then say what you need, and then what the positive consequence for the relationship will be," says Perry. "So for example, telling your mother in law, 'I know you really love it when we visit and stay for a weekend. But I need to sleep in my own bed because that's the way I feel rested. I'm hoping that will make a happier and overall fun day for us if myself and the kids have all slept well.'" That's hard to argue with!
Set preemptive boundaries whenever possible
"I love preemptive boundaries, especially around things like gift-giving," says Perry. "Often, people wait until the situation is already upon them and it becomes really stressful. So, for example, if you're not sure if your friend and you are supposed to exchange gifts for birthdays or holidays, simply call and check. It sounds awkward, but it can be really helpful. It’s never a bad idea to clarify your needs and your preferences well ahead of time."
Traditions are great, but boundaries are ever-changing
What worked for you last year may not work this year. That family cruise may have been fun for a few summers, but as the family ages, or the kids are in camp, it may no longer make sense. "Our boundaries can change," says Perry. "What worked last year may not feel the same this year, and being able to recognize that instead of just going along with these traditions that no longer serve you is important." It’s also likely that if you feel like a tradition isn't working, there are other family members who feel the same.
Get ready to deal with boundary pushers
Sometimes, people in your life will push back or be hurt when you first lay out boundaries. That’s when having a conversation where you gently explain your reasons is helpful, says Perry. Some people — Perry calls them the ‘boundary pushers’ — no explanation will suffice and you may have to deliver a more forceful 'no.' "I tell people to come up with a 'broken record statement,' which can be as vague and simple as 'I'm unable to make it this year,' and just keep repeating that."
Try an app to help maintain your boundaries
Boundaries also exist in the digital space: Have you been guilty of checking work email while in the middle of a family dinner, or at a party? If you know you struggle to set boundaries between work and home life, you may need to police yourself. Perry suggests adding an autoresponder, pausing your inbox, or setting your phone in do-not-disturb mode. You can also use Focus mode or similar apps to ban yourself from email and social media while not at work.
Remember: It's not weak to compromise
What worked for you last year may not work this year. That family cruise may have been fun for a few summers, but as the family ages, or the kids are in camp, it may no longer make sense. "Our boundaries can change," says Perry. "What worked last year may not feel the same this year, and being able to recognize that instead of just going along with these traditions that no longer serve you is important." It’s also likely that if you feel like a tradition isn't working, there are other family members who feel the same.
